Bullshit Hipster Bike Videos

Here is yet another commercial for some jeans, this time a bunch of funemployed mechanics take a ride from London to Biarritz, a beach resort in the south of France.

Why is it when one of these groups of perfectly coiffed chin hair enthusiasts get together to shoot a video, one of them inevitably has to turn some wrenches? It’s usually on the side of the road and always in range of a fancy camera. Do these denim engineers not check this shit before they leave home? Has no one figured out how to sell Loctite to hipsters?

Hey Loctite marketing dept, this is how you sell to these beardos,

1. Change your name to “Old Pappy’s Hold Em Serum” in a swooshy font

2. Make your product available in pomade tins

3. Charge $50 for it

4. Make it available in coffee shops.

Boom! We’ll be expecting our check in the mail.

Bandanna is a totally viable replacement for a front fender you guys.

Other highlights:

We’ve been seeing a lot of hipster videos with dirt track shit in them.  Most dirt track people I know tend to be country dudes with F-250s who ride CRFs.  Picturing these postmodern nitwits in  their vintage cosplay rubbing elbows with the regular bros made us laugh.

Maybe they can have a special class for these artists. A class where using an appropriate machine to get around the track quickly is replaced by hoping you look quirky and carefree enough on your shitty bike that strangers will instagram you. Trophy goes to the guy with the most likes.

We suspect this entire trend can be tracked back to the fact that On Any Sunday is on NetFlix now.  Way to go, Bruce Brown!

What happens when hipsters co-opt your hobby?

1. Girls in their 20’s show up (once)

2. Guys ask you what your vimeo username is

3. The pits smell less like 2-stroke exhaust and more like hair product

4. You start getting $1500 offers on your 1982 DR125 with no carb that’s worth $200 at most

5. Each new guy brings his own videographer and sound man

 Guess we didn’t really say much about this video, so here, have a highlight. This fucking guy.

“They have rediscovered the virtues of “savoir-faire”, the pleasure of building something tangible by seizing control of a method of production fit for their level and, above all, the satisfaction of understanding what they are doing.” – their kickstarter (seriously read it, it’s hilarious)

Connoisseurs of vintage facial hair using Marxist language to talk about their rich guy hobby.  Their next task in bringing about their worker’s paradise will surely be seizing the means of production at whatever studio makes the vintage film effects for Final Cut Pro.

This homage to working with your hands is funded by indie homebrew companies such as BMW, Motul, and the Venture Capitalist who owns Belstaff, but they need your help to finish.

Despite all the craftsmen talk, no one in this video produces anything  but unrideable art motorcycles, or vintage bullshit to be used in commercials for clothing lines.*

30 years from now will the idiots of the future be attempting to capture the working class chic of the early 2000’s? Will there be young graphic artists wearing hi-viz construction vests trying to install D&D cans on Gixxer 600s?

* we debated whether RSD belongs in this group or not.

This video and Belstaff’s ‘pure motorcycle’ site both look like borderline satire.  We dare you not to laugh at the faces their models make.

Poor Dave.  He’s not happy, you can see it on his face; his agent really got him into a situation here that he’s not at all comfortable with. He’s having to ride a 500lb BMW with clubman bars and no seat across a corn field, getting mud constantly flung in his face. Then he barely gets a break lying in the dirt holding a canteen cup wistfully before he’s got to help the rich yups load the bikes back onto the trailer.  We feel bad for you, Dave. Wish we could give you a hug.

This is almost sad, both Belstaff and Beckham were former greats in their respective fields. Now their reputations are being used by shithead marketing gurus to sell you expensive junk.

Highlights:

• Burnouts in the dirt, which are fast becoming a staple in these videos
• $2,000 trousers (Link)
• This gif

Royal Enfield joins Harley and BMW in the hunt for youthful but stylishly malnourished customers. They’ve opted for the cafe racer/ton-up boys route. However, as some of us own and ride Enfields we can tell you they won’t go much over 70. The subject of the film seems to be the relaunching of The East India company by art school graduates. Their safety gear suggests they have adopted the spiritual principle of reincarnation.  So we decided to offer some alternative slogans for this video/campaign:

“The Enfield Continental: A personal chauffeur for your Ray-Bans and Selvedge jeans”

“The Enfield Continental: For when you and your male model friends need to ride to Sri Lanka but a BMW is too gauche.”

“Royal Enfield: The Colonial Nostalgia Expedition”

“29 horsepower was good enough 50 years ago, it’s good enough for today”

“Lawrence of Arabia rolls in his grave, the video”