BINGO

These guys didn’t even try.  Someone must have given them the crib notes on hipster videos and they decided that was good enough.  This video does excel by having particularly bad music, though.

You know what, if they’re not gonna try, why should we?  Here, have a bingo card and play along at home.  We can’t be bothered to make fun of these dicks. Click here to save and print.

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Creative reality

A fashion brand manager pays another man to build him a shitty motorcycle. Prepare yourself for this epic tale of hand wringing, drilling the well of his own creativity, and writing checks.

Gucci Chief Operating Officer Stuart Piercington here is eminently quotable, so here are a selection of his fine works.

“We started cutting apart jeans, jackets, shirts, and creating something out of nothing really.”

Because you know clothes were “nothing” until this moron ripped them apart and rubbed his creativity all over them. Pretty good analogy for what he’s doing with this motorcycle.

“Creativity is something that was inevitable for me.  I think from an early age mum recognized, being an artist, that I could draw.  It turned into quite a big deal.”

My mum put my pictures up on the refrigerator door.  This did not blow out my ego to such fantastic proportions that I felt my inevitable destiny was jerking around some mechanic with whatever loopy-loo idea I saw on BikeEXIF that week.

“This incredible sense of rough animal in the bike”

These guys all try to make their worn out 70s commuter bike sound like some ripsnorting performance racer at the very ragged edge of control and sense. If you removed or ruined all the suspension on a Toyota Corolla it would feel like a beast too.

“Picasso said, ‘The chief enemy of creativity is good sense.’  Maybe that’s the point about creating something, it’s not meant to be easy, and I guess it’s like being a furnace, you know, forging something.”

Da Vinci said, “Take this screw helicopter and shove it up your ass, you self-inflated prick.” The only thing this guy created was a shittier version of a motorcycle.  Or at least the signature on the check to pay for it.  All you aspiring artists, please stick to expressing yourself with papier mâché or charcoal or Tumblr soliloquies or whatever.  Motorcycles are not blank canvasses on which to ejaculate your self-importance. If you really like motorcycles, get one, make it run properly and go out and ride it.  Not every single thing in the world has to be a rolling ego exhibit.

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“I didn’t pick up a cigarette ever again.  Here, this is what I was like, smoking.  Please record, for this moment is as ephemeral as the wafting waves.”

 

Update: It’s now for sale.

Handjobs

Before we talk about this video, let’s discuss how stupid the idea of handmade sunglasses is.  How do you hand make sunglasses?  Did someone hand carve the mold and then cast the pieces in bakelite?  Did they grind the glass on a stone like Galileo? “Handcrafting” something from acetate sounds about as plausible to me as making all natural organic Twinkies.  In this magical world where chopping off your subframe and adding different handlebars makes you a “bike builder” worthy of praise, I guess anything is possible.

If it isn’t hand crafted by artisans, if there isn’t a lifestyle video to accompany it, is it really worth buying?  Not to this target demographic, they might enjoy dressing up like mechanics and working-class people (from the past) but they wouldn’t be caught dead buying anything mass produced for the proles.  Unless it’s, you know, it’s an iPad or something.

Oh I got sidetracked, I guess the video is pretty standard fare, beards, motorcycles, etc. What makes us laugh is the dichotomy between what’s going on in the video vs. how it’s made. On screen it’s nothing but vintage bikes, vintage helmets,vintage coolers. shitty disposable cameras. However when it comes to making these dopey videos, nothing but the best/newest tech is used, shot on fancy digital cameras, edited on mac books, for fucks sake they won’t even put videos on youtube, because the bitrate and compression isn’t as good as Vimeo. Youtube is for peasants.

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Seriously

 

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Jewelry that looks like a tool, how poignant is that?  Zoolander’s Derelicte fashion line comes to life in this item, and it only took 13 years for parody to become reality.  The idea that manual labor would become a fashion fetish for the affluent, what’s next? Mechanics overalls on the catwalks of Milan?

If someone paid me money to come up with a single object that could be used to define and ridicule this entire movement, I couldn’t have done it better than this.  Irony levels off the fucking charts.  The entire e-store of Blitz bikes is the same.  It’s almost impossible to parody.  The Sarah Palin of motorcycle websites.

Think the major manufacturers are just as bad with their merchandise?  Consider these two items and their respective prices:

http://shop.ducati.com/ie/accessories/clothing-accessories/scarfs-bandana/metropolitan-aw13-pashmina.html

http://blitzmotorcycles.bigcartel.com/product/barber-kit-scarf

Bad Thai

A reader sent this in to us, I don’t even know what the fuck.

Now we have Thai (I think) morons pretending to be American morons who are pretending to be other American morons from 30 years ago?  This whole 60s biker cosplay shit is getting out of hand.

tumblr_static_hamburgler-on-bike-with-hamburger-wheels_originalWhy are these dudes dressed like the Hamburgler.

 

 

Feel Good Friday

Hey remember when America had its own motorcycle racing series?  Whatever happened with that?  Oh that’s right they sold it to DMG and it went to shit.  Well I guess England still has a series, and it’s pretty cool.  BSB Tracks are fun to watch racing on and Cadwell Park is famous for its jump, so I guess enjoy this and try not to think to much about what happened to the AMA series.

El Shitatrio

Just when you thought it couldn’t get worse.

This spawn of Satan is a result of BMW throwing its marketing money at people with beards and tight pants.  BMW, are you really this desperate to take a market share from the Bonneville?  I mean I’ll give you credit, the R Nine T isn’t quite as retro as the Bonnie, but then again I get it, German “retro” carries some extra baggage with it.

BMW gave these retards a brand new bike to customize, and what resulted is similar to the last time Germans supported awful people in Spain.  This bike started out as a brand new motorcycle.  Now it looks like a shopping cart fucked a catfish.

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This one is so heinous that even the comments of BikeExif are turning on it.  The [only?] defense seems to be “well they got you talking about it, that means they’re doing something right.”  This sentiment infuriates me to no end.  You know what else got people talking?  9/11 you cunts.

Not satisfied with their 110hp Piggly Wiggly cart, the artists added what you’d obviously add to this bike when making a vimeo of it.  A lazy and disinterested man beheading a chicken and proudly displaying its dying head to the camera.  Thus intimately dramatizing their “quest to create an impact on the observer and this does not necessary mean to please their eyes with easy indulgent proposals.”  I’d like you all to ponder any possible connections to fascism again at this point, please.

Reader Questions

For Readers Questions: I decided that having an oil temp gage for a dip stick would be cool (ah-hum). I found one at the dollar store that was pretty easy to adapt to where the old dip stick went. My question is: the oil seems to run about mid-way between roast beef and turkey – is this normal?

Thanks ………… George

Thanks for the question, George. I can tell by your running temperature that you’re a sophisticated owner who only uses artisanal oils with no inorganic chemical additives. Any consistent running temp over turkey indicates cheap, mass produced oil with unnatural chemicals devoid of soul and emotion. Mass produced synthetic oils used by non soulful riders will let your bike run at the internal temps of a hot pocket.

Be sure that when you add the necessary .5 oz of beard oil supplement to the engine oil, you check the label to see that it is 100% natural and locally procured. This combination ensures lower engine running temperatures and you should be running right around beef wellington.
Buy in bulk and save: https://shop.ironandresin.com/prospector-co-burroughs-beard-oil-1oz/dp/1008