Motorcycle Jorts

Have you ever wanted a $600 denim vest but just couldn’t afford it? Well today is your lucky day, these geniuses have totally figured out cut out the middle man and bring you their product direct and at the low low wholesale price of $300. As long as people pay them $40,000 for the trouble first. Don’t delay, operators are standing by, orders placed in the next 20 minutes get a free voucher for chucklefuck’s tattoo hut.

Denim vest: $300 Front brakes: $0

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At first we weren’t sure if these dudes qualified as hipsters because they actually looked like grown ups, albeit very stupid looking grown ups but still old enough to know better. Then the voice over started.

“The most relevant outsider art associated with vintage choppers that we can think of, is the denim vest. Over time it collects a man’s sweat, his filth, his blood and eventually his soul”

Well that pretty much settled that debate.  Then I went to their website, I just sat on the front page and looked at the pictures and quotes. My face lit up.

quote 3First they’re gonna pay us $40,000 so we can sell them $300 denim vests bahahahahahahah

 

quote 2Kevin Bacon explains to models why vintage dick is the best dick.

 

quote1Beard fires are a real danger bro

 

 

 

 

 

59 thoughts on “Motorcycle Jorts

  1. “A personalized story that evolves until the day it rots off his his back.”

    Is this a hipster vid about vests or skin tumors? This has to be a joke.

  2. LOL at quoting Bukwoski. Dumbasses annoyed the shit out of me quoting Kerouac and On the Road every damn second, now they are going for Bukowski.. NOOOOOO- Can’t you assholes just settle for Tucker Max so I can continue making fun of you?

    Seriously they are no better than Abercrombie and Hollister.

    • On the road is overrated crap ayway. You can just imagine one of these guys writing it and it is just the sort of crap they love.

      • On The Road,Lonesome Traveller;well, they Are
        good works of literature,as they were in their time
        relative to what was happening in post war America.
        Only problem,is that they are being used in a method
        by these phony morons as another kind of twisted
        marketing.Jack Kerouac is the LAST guy that would
        want such idiots to use his hard work in this fashion.
        It’s like that other group that posted an image and
        quotes from Dr.Hunter S.Thompson-these dipshits
        clearly cannot think of doing something Original by
        Themselves.Just sniffing for the money,and it’s in
        the hipster’s wallets apparently..

  3. As the video first started playing, I thought, “These guys look pretty authentic, except what’s with the weird vests?” Figures it’s the vests they’re selling for their “authenticity.” Then, wow, thanks for the “wholesale” price of $300 for a vest, which I honestly can’t even think of a person I know that would want one for $20.

  4. No grown up has a beard with so few grey hairs unless he uses ‘Just for (old) Men’ beard rejuvenating syrup. I recommend dying your beard heartily it attracts models. I dye my chest hair too so it all matches and at photoshoots I can look the optimum 32 years old. Doesn’t anyone just enjoy fighting any more?

    • Fighting was alright when you’re 12, now it just ends in police reports and having to call your insurance company.

      • I was rubbish at fighting when I was twelve but now I’m way past forty please let me fantasise a bit……..there’s so little else left.

        • Perhaps you need to invest a few hundred into a sweet vest, so you can fantisize it gives you special “vintage chopper-scene” powers (or whatever hipster marketing BS it was they said in the video, I can’t bear to watch it again.)

  5. I’ll stick with my Dainese jacket thank you. A. I look dead sexy (no really! Women love it for some weird reason) B. If I screw up I wound require skin grafts. As someone in the fashion business, its these retards that buy up all the selvedge denim thus driving the price up. Wankers!

  6. Please, please tell me this is a Joke… right? How in the wide world of sports, does a jean jacket (without sleeves) cost $600? I didn’t pay much more for my Alpinestars Full race leathers! And a cow had to die!

  7. Psst….. you can go to Value Village and get a denin jacket for $20 and with a pair of scissors, voila! Instant vest, save yourself $280. If you’re really lucky it will come pre-funked too.

  8. What I don’t understand is how/why 81 people have pledged $21,056 for this nonsense already. Who in the world wants a $300.00 denim vest? What am I missing here? I do endorse one of the quotes though: “Sometimes it takes a whole tankful of fuel before you can think straight” (Anon.) Apparently most of the idiot pledgers still need to burn some more fuel….

  9. If they raise the 40k on Kickstarter, I plan to announce my own kickstarter project complete with Hipster approriate spelling

    “The Shiftless Soles Front Break Removal Company”

    Our Moto, ” We can’t help you stop, but we can make every ride last longer.”

  10. I’d laugh a lot if I found out that Sons Of Silence, Hells Angels, etc.. started wearing these – AND – that they beat up cosplaying hipsters to acquire them.

    I wonder if the cosplayers know what a prospect’s vest gets on it before they get patched…

  11. I am 53 years old and I want a dark bushy beard, not the father christmas one I have now, and why did the dude with all the tatts not wear a vest?

  12. Usually, I don’t even need to watch the videos posted here because I already know the schtick. Cookie cutter cool. But, every once and awhile, I do watch one and for some reason, I’m the one who feels embarrassed… I couldn’t even finish this one.

    I would say it has to be a joke and it probably is, but the joke is on the customers.

  13. $300 for something that’s going to collect your soul? thought death was free but I guess nothing’s free nowadays.

  14. These vests are actually incredibly well made, and labor and materials alone make them actually cost $250+ just to make…this is an upscale fashion accessory that some find attractive and worth the money. These guys are also based out of the North Bay San Fran area, so most people around here support the scene and also have a good amount more discretionary income than your average rider. I don;t and probably won’t buy one, but I have worked on projects with Marc, and he’s a solid dude who is – of course – looking to profit from a trend that in this area is very popular, mainly because it was born here in a lot of ways.

    Most people don’t realize, or care to remember, that the “biker vest” started here and is still very much a part of the riding scene…from the real HA/club guys still around, to old Mexican dudes on their gangstered out softails and baggers (who I guarantee can fuck up anyone who’s ever posted on this site including myself), to SOA-wannabe quarter-fairing Dyna dudes, to period correct chopper guys, to metric cruiser guys, to sportbike “rough ryda” type thugs, to hipsters on biltwell-heavy sportster “bobbers”…these Dig vests are selling across a good amount of demos. If it’s not for you, it’s because you just don’t understand…no worries, you’re just too far removed from the culture.

    The point is, a lot of people mentioned brand names around shitty, overpriced leathers, and just like Dainese or Vanson this is just another choice for riding gear. If it’s not yours, so be it. Things get marketed, and marketing by nature is bullshit personified. Just like some guy said he could go buy a jean vest for $20, anyone can go buy a leather jacket for $75 – will it be the same in your mind as some awful colored racing leather with a cool patch? Probably not, but ultimately just as effective. You idiots just believe the bullshit “science” the racing leather vendors tell you in their marketing. Bottom line – when you get in a bike accident, you get fucked up, and anything covering your skin is better than nothing. Tungsten carbide diamond dust unicorn dick infused elbow pads might save a rider some roadrash but no leather on the planet prevents broken bones when a cager crosses lanes head on into your path at 75mph.

    Are vests protective gear? Not really – but again it’s just another choice.

    When I pass a guy on a sportbike in full leathers barely splitting lanes and I’m on a 50 year old Harley in a t-shirt going 3x as fast through tight traffic – I don’t think “what a fucking pussy” – I think, “that’s this guy’s choice about how he enjoys the ride.” And I hand sign him as I pass…

    Ride bikes, have fun.

    Remember, while you’re laughing at these guys, others are laughing at you just as hard if not harder.

    • “You idiots just believe the bullshit “science” the racing leather vendors tell you in their marketing.”

      Oh, are you talking about the bs “science” that says leather and CE rated pads are better than open air on my elbows if I should be unfortunate enough to end up hitting the pavement? Or is it the bs “science” that says that helmets save lives, when you’re sure they’ll break my neck? Leather won’t save me from a Mack truck so I’m fooling myself when I wear it, right? Spare me.

      In what retard microcosm is a denim vest considered “riding gear”? When you stated that these vests are an “upscale fashion accessory”, you got that right. Whey you believe they have something to do with riding gear, you’re buying the BS that the marketers are selling.

      Paying too much for a fashion accessory that lets a hipster feel like he has kinship with a criminal enterprise like HA (who are not wearing $600 vests) is what these are all about.

      There’s a pretty big irony in the tiny little group of $600 vest wearers with no front brakes laughing at us “just as hard if not harder” as we laugh at them. Oh, I’m sure they just know more about this “scene” we’re all (thankfully) too stupid or uncool to understand.

      San Francisco and hipster “authenticity” are obviously conjoined twins.

    • Respectfully your comment “Most people don’t realize, or care to remember, that the “biker vest” started here and is still very much a part of the riding scene…from the real HA/club guys still around” .. is at great odds with my own experience of living in the SF Bay Area and being involved with multiple bikes scenes.

      To my knowledge (easily verified with a visit to California Choppers / Frisco) which is run by two leading hells angels : Wayne and Rudey will confirm that the HAs do not wear “your style of vests” they have historically to date used thick leather vests. The ‘biker vest’ did not even start in the bay area it started with much earlier clubs whom switched to leather based on means and requirements.

      It appears that the clutch monkey are trying to capitalize and bullshit hipster-ize club traditions.

      • I know Wayne as well and he’d confirm that denim was the original fabric of choice for HA vests during their 60s heydey (just goole any pic of McGoo etc.). The modern HA vest (leather) is a bastardization. Just as these fashion accessories are today, they just happen to be 100x more well made and usable than anything in Decker’s collection of awesome but rotting textiles.

      • The denim vest has an interesting history and you are correct, most clubs wear leather now…which puts them squarely in the same category as hipsters because a good leather vest is much more expensive than an old denim cutoff, harder to sew patches on, hotter, can’t be as easily cleaned when it get REALLY fouled.

        Anyhow, slightly incorrect on the Angels not wearing denim vests. Check the infamous Life magazine expose on HA from 1967, they are wearing denim, not leather vests.

        But to each his own.

    • It’s nice to see a reasonable comment on this website. Most of the comments here tend to be from sport bike bros, who talk about safe gear but promote the worst kind of dangerous stunt riding.

      Why someone would get so upset over a vest is just crazy. Some people like the vest, and some people don’t. Most of the people making these negative comments have no idea where their clothes come from, or what has happened to the American apparel industry and our political system since Reagan began the dismantling of America in 1980. That’s something to get update about. Your irrelevancy compared to a younger rider with a newer style than yourself, is just your insecurity talking.

  15. For further info, here is a link to Jeff’s decker’s lair, where we provides an interesting history of bike clubs vests. I fall to see how the Clutch Monkey “vest” can be comparable as you state.

    • About the most expensive Astar jacket I’ve ever seen is about $700 but for that you get GP levels of protection, I don’t know if you’re actually this dumb or pretending so you can make inane arguments but do you really not see the difference between a jacket that could save you from injury and is technically advanced vs a $300 piece of denim?

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  17. Dear jef with one f,

    ” if you hold hands while going down the road with another man on a motorcycle. you are fucking gay.”

    Not funny, certainly offensive, and most of all completely uncalled for. BHBV is a place of humour, satire and ridicule not a haven for haters.

  18. The worst thing about Clutch Monkey is their horrible customer service and shoddy manufacturing. Expect to wait at least 2x as long as they state on their website states and to be dicked around by their extremely incompetent owner/ founder. Seriously one of the most poorly ran and dishonest companies I’ve ever dealt with.

  19. Don’t Knock Them They Are BadAzz Vest And Jeans got a Few Of Each Then He Went Belly Up I Got Ripped Off for a Pair Of jeans And Get A Few Instgrams From People That also Gave Him There Hard Earned Money Now His Web Sites Down
    Strange thing They Were The Best Vest I Liked Bought 2 And StillAm Very Happy
    He Was A Really Kool Dude

    • “He” is incompetent and a POS. Constant excuses and not able to perform the simplest of functions both from business and ethical standpoints. Glad to hear Clutchmonkey will no longer be ripping people off.

      • Finally,one of the trendy bullshit name “flash in the pan”
        enterprises going away.Funny how “clutch” and “rip” are
        of such similiar propensities….as long as I can recall,most
        real motorcycle business operations never had to rely on
        trinket title kind of signage.But then,a lot of these types
        are not getting their hands dirty in the Real World……..

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