Repost: Biarrich

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Here is another old post, we’re gonna repost.

Here is yet another commercial for some jeans, this time a bunch of funemployed mechanics take a ride from London to Biarritz, a beach resort in the south of France.

Why is it when one of these groups of perfectly coiffed chin hair enthusiasts get together to shoot a video, one of them inevitably has to turn some wrenches? It’s usually on the side of the road and always in range of a fancy camera. Do these denim engineers not check this shit before they leave home? Has no one figured out how to sell Loctite to hipsters?

Hey Loctite marketing dept, this is how you sell to these beardos,

1. Change your name to “Old Pappy’s Hold Em Serum” in a swooshy font

2. Make your product available in pomade tins

3. Charge $50 for it

4. Make it available in coffee shops.

Boom! We’ll be expecting our check in the mail.

 

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Bandanna is a totally viable replacement for a front fender you guys.

Other highlights:

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Feel Good Friday

I know we’re not posting much these days, but it’s summer time and we’re all busy riding. So here is another FGF video to cheer you jerks up.

The original On Any Sunday is a good movie but I think it’s also responsible for a lot of the retro hipster malarkey we see. Stupid people watch that movie, completely miss the point and decide to become 70’s bike reenactors in dumb costumes.  That having been said I’m kind of excited about the new version being made by Bruce Brown’s son. Hopefully this will inform some of these dopes about how cool modern motorcycling is. Enjoy.

Feel Good Friday

We get a lot of mail about how we shouldn’t make fun of hipsters because motorcycling needs more young people to be involved.

So this week’s FGF video is a shot in the arm, take heart not all the kids are spending their time shopping for “heritage boots” or selvedge denim trying to look the part.  New generation of actual riders is out there, you might not see them as much but they’re there. Oh you might want to turn down the music.

Ride safe.

 

 

Motorcycle Jorts

Have you ever wanted a $600 denim vest but just couldn’t afford it? Well today is your lucky day, these geniuses have totally figured out cut out the middle man and bring you their product direct and at the low low wholesale price of $300. As long as people pay them $40,000 for the trouble first. Don’t delay, operators are standing by, orders placed in the next 20 minutes get a free voucher for chucklefuck’s tattoo hut.

Denim vest: $300 Front brakes: $0

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At first we weren’t sure if these dudes qualified as hipsters because they actually looked like grown ups, albeit very stupid looking grown ups but still old enough to know better. Then the voice over started.

“The most relevant outsider art associated with vintage choppers that we can think of, is the denim vest. Over time it collects a man’s sweat, his filth, his blood and eventually his soul”

Well that pretty much settled that debate.  Then I went to their website, I just sat on the front page and looked at the pictures and quotes. My face lit up.

quote 3First they’re gonna pay us $40,000 so we can sell them $300 denim vests bahahahahahahah

 

quote 2Kevin Bacon explains to models why vintage dick is the best dick.

 

quote1Beard fires are a real danger bro

 

 

 

 

 

Creativity for sale

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http://www.ebay.com.au/itm/171320512615

RE: Creative Reality

Remember the babbling  you had to sit through while this guy described to you what a journey it was to create a shittier version of and already shitty motorcycle?

Welp now you have the chance of owning the end result of that journey. You see riding motorcycles is not the goal for these people, public masturbation over their own egos is, so now that he’s finished “creating” the bike and starred in a video, time for it to go.

BINGO

These guys didn’t even try.  Someone must have given them the crib notes on hipster videos and they decided that was good enough.  This video does excel by having particularly bad music, though.

You know what, if they’re not gonna try, why should we?  Here, have a bingo card and play along at home.  We can’t be bothered to make fun of these dicks. Click here to save and print.

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Creative reality

A fashion brand manager pays another man to build him a shitty motorcycle. Prepare yourself for this epic tale of hand wringing, drilling the well of his own creativity, and writing checks.

Gucci Chief Operating Officer Stuart Piercington here is eminently quotable, so here are a selection of his fine works.

“We started cutting apart jeans, jackets, shirts, and creating something out of nothing really.”

Because you know clothes were “nothing” until this moron ripped them apart and rubbed his creativity all over them. Pretty good analogy for what he’s doing with this motorcycle.

“Creativity is something that was inevitable for me.  I think from an early age mum recognized, being an artist, that I could draw.  It turned into quite a big deal.”

My mum put my pictures up on the refrigerator door.  This did not blow out my ego to such fantastic proportions that I felt my inevitable destiny was jerking around some mechanic with whatever loopy-loo idea I saw on BikeEXIF that week.

“This incredible sense of rough animal in the bike”

These guys all try to make their worn out 70s commuter bike sound like some ripsnorting performance racer at the very ragged edge of control and sense. If you removed or ruined all the suspension on a Toyota Corolla it would feel like a beast too.

“Picasso said, ‘The chief enemy of creativity is good sense.’  Maybe that’s the point about creating something, it’s not meant to be easy, and I guess it’s like being a furnace, you know, forging something.”

Da Vinci said, “Take this screw helicopter and shove it up your ass, you self-inflated prick.” The only thing this guy created was a shittier version of a motorcycle.  Or at least the signature on the check to pay for it.  All you aspiring artists, please stick to expressing yourself with papier mâché or charcoal or Tumblr soliloquies or whatever.  Motorcycles are not blank canvasses on which to ejaculate your self-importance. If you really like motorcycles, get one, make it run properly and go out and ride it.  Not every single thing in the world has to be a rolling ego exhibit.

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“I didn’t pick up a cigarette ever again.  Here, this is what I was like, smoking.  Please record, for this moment is as ephemeral as the wafting waves.”

 

Update: It’s now for sale.

Handjobs

Before we talk about this video, let’s discuss how stupid the idea of handmade sunglasses is.  How do you hand make sunglasses?  Did someone hand carve the mold and then cast the pieces in bakelite?  Did they grind the glass on a stone like Galileo? “Handcrafting” something from acetate sounds about as plausible to me as making all natural organic Twinkies.  In this magical world where chopping off your subframe and adding different handlebars makes you a “bike builder” worthy of praise, I guess anything is possible.

If it isn’t hand crafted by artisans, if there isn’t a lifestyle video to accompany it, is it really worth buying?  Not to this target demographic, they might enjoy dressing up like mechanics and working-class people (from the past) but they wouldn’t be caught dead buying anything mass produced for the proles.  Unless it’s, you know, it’s an iPad or something.

Oh I got sidetracked, I guess the video is pretty standard fare, beards, motorcycles, etc. What makes us laugh is the dichotomy between what’s going on in the video vs. how it’s made. On screen it’s nothing but vintage bikes, vintage helmets,vintage coolers. shitty disposable cameras. However when it comes to making these dopey videos, nothing but the best/newest tech is used, shot on fancy digital cameras, edited on mac books, for fucks sake they won’t even put videos on youtube, because the bitrate and compression isn’t as good as Vimeo. Youtube is for peasants.

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