Bad Thai

A reader sent this in to us, I don’t even know what the fuck.

Now we have Thai (I think) morons pretending to be American morons who are pretending to be other American morons from 30 years ago?  This whole 60s biker cosplay shit is getting out of hand.

tumblr_static_hamburgler-on-bike-with-hamburger-wheels_originalWhy are these dudes dressed like the Hamburgler.

 

 

El Shitatrio

Just when you thought it couldn’t get worse.

This spawn of Satan is a result of BMW throwing its marketing money at people with beards and tight pants.  BMW, are you really this desperate to take a market share from the Bonneville?  I mean I’ll give you credit, the R Nine T isn’t quite as retro as the Bonnie, but then again I get it, German “retro” carries some extra baggage with it.

BMW gave these retards a brand new bike to customize, and what resulted is similar to the last time Germans supported awful people in Spain.  This bike started out as a brand new motorcycle.  Now it looks like a shopping cart fucked a catfish.

2014-BMW-R-nineT-Motorcycle-1

custom-bmw-r-ninet-3-625x416

 

This one is so heinous that even the comments of BikeExif are turning on it.  The [only?] defense seems to be “well they got you talking about it, that means they’re doing something right.”  This sentiment infuriates me to no end.  You know what else got people talking?  9/11 you cunts.

Not satisfied with their 110hp Piggly Wiggly cart, the artists added what you’d obviously add to this bike when making a vimeo of it.  A lazy and disinterested man beheading a chicken and proudly displaying its dying head to the camera.  Thus intimately dramatizing their “quest to create an impact on the observer and this does not necessary mean to please their eyes with easy indulgent proposals.”  I’d like you all to ponder any possible connections to fascism again at this point, please.

Epic Alligator

This is getting ridiculous.  We understand needing booming narration and mood lighting if you’re trying to convince people to pay you $30k to build a shitty cafe racer out of a CX500.  The shallow depth of field and promise of grandiose results helps part fools from their money.  When you’re selling manhood to rich idiots it’s almost understandable.

However now this style of video has reached across to the realm of everyday products like clothes.  Here we have a video for Lacoste.  Christian Bale reads Jack Kerouac with a Johnny Cash soundtrack to promote the union of man, machine and nature; the intimate expression of one’s emotion and spirit; the palpable détente between one’s own hands and the fruit of that hand’s labor sell pants.

On their next marketing project, Charmin will feature in intermittently focused and dimly lit vintage-look stalls with wistful sentiments narrated about how wiping our asses unites us all as human beings.

 

okITF6C

Rage trippers

Readers have submitted videos from these guys before (link) but we gave them a pass, because despite their stupid helmets they had not ruined the bikes they were riding. So I was sort of expecting the same when this video came our way. Boy, was I wrong.

This starts out with the same dumb helmets and admittedly cool bikes. Then, the 230 Benz comes into view and it goes off the rails, fast. I was already kind of annoyed/jealous that these douches had a bevel drive Ducati so the car only incensed me more. Then I saw the guy with the fucking mustache and the Polaroid camera, the music began to sting my ears. By the time they pulled up to the picnic table I could feel the veins in my neck throbbing. The rage began to consume me.

My blood boils at the sight of that carefully cluttered table, my skin has entirely slid off my face and I can feel the flames jetting from my nose and ear holes. Imagine a bespoke leather gloved fist smashing into an immaculately waxed mustache over and over for all eternity, that’s my dream, that’s my nightmare. When they start juggling peaches, I have already become death, destroyer of worlds.

7O5lHod

MwZwa2k

FYI

Also FYI there’s a guy on reddit named hipsterbikevideos pretending to be us.  He’s not us.  Sure he’s a dick like us, but he’s trolling dirt bike ice racing threads.   We got nothing against dirt bikes, bro.

He’s probably some guy who got butthurt by something we said and is now trying to make us look bad by posting on reddit, I don’t know.

Pipeburn

Pipeburn

Taking a break from bashing hipsters, to talk about the wonderful world of custom motorcycle builders.

I don’t know where to really start, oh wait I do know where to start. Fuck custom motorcycles! Seriously if I see one more bike with stupid ass balloon tires, clipons 2 inches from the tank or a cool old British bike turned into a hard tail chop, I’m gonna lose my shit.

I hear you say “but man they’re not really meant to be ridden” to which I will reply, fuck you! Stop making unrideable motorcycles.

Go look at the pipeburn bike of the year to see what you have wrought.

Seriously

Srs post this time.  We here, as dudes, enjoy looking at a woman shaking her ass in short shorts as much as anyone.  But have some dignity and respect [for your own gender in this case] and don’t try to pass it off as serious women riding seriously.

What you see are cute girls going out of their way to look sexually appealing on camera, with a few bikes thrown in.  As we’ve pointed out rudely before, real riders wear real gear. Not yoga pants and tank tops.

You’ll see virtually none of that here.  The only exception that stood out obviously was a couple quick shots of a lady doing some land speed record runs at Bonneville.  Yeah, that’s legit.  Here’s another example of a woman rider: http://imgur.com/0XxQ2qW  She rode around the world solo.  She didn’t wave her legs around, bend over, and then ride across a bridge.  She wore full gear.  This did not include a bubble visor biltwell, because those are fashion accessories and not serious safety gear.  If any of the women in this video, exceptions aside, are real riders, they’re not showing it in.

They’re virtually indistinguishable from the fake titted bikini models leaning on a hardtail in any chopper magazine.  No offense to fake titted models.  They’re doing what they do.  But they’re not pretending to be feminist icons.

The point will be driven home to you if you check out some of the photos from the exhibit, to be posted here subsequently.