Humper S Toddler

Sorry guys we’re all kinda busy and bored with the site at the moment. To all the people sending feedback and recommendations we’ll get around to reading them soon. In the mean time have a good laugh and read this, been cracking us up ever since we saw it.  http://www.chinonthetank.com/2013/08/rulers-run/

 

“Every year towards late August a handful of rare souls converge together to wreak havoc on the streets of Brooklyn, like some horrid natural phenomenon emerging from the sea to consume an entire city. “

By which he means some hipsters from Philly went to NYC to do some shopping and attend a motorcycle show.

“Eventually we set out for food down Bedford Ave., looking as if some brutes were set loose from their cage.” 

Yeah check these dudes out, they don’t look anything like every single person in Broolyn, they’re brutes, savages, freaks so different from every other 20 something in BK. IMG_7704_lr

 

“Somewhere around 1:30, I scouted out Manhattan in search of some threads and found no traffic to be had from Brooklyn to the tunnel (our exit strategy for later that day). I made my way back to the show and met the rest of our group.”

Uggh don’t you just hate it when you come back from a shopping trip empty handed.

 

Backpack bullshitters

These guys come out of the gate strong!

 “When it comes to motorcycles, there are two ways: Either you drive it around, or you contemplate around it”

After that objectively wrong and ridiculous statement, we’ll be doing the latter about this drivel.  These Swedish beet farmers didn’t disappoint, their video checks off many boxes on the Hipster Bingo card with fenderless bikes and faux-primitive coffee prep all over the place.

“I have no ambitions than to create my own and others’ well-being.”

And by well-being we mean $400  man purses.

This video gave us an idea, we want to start a company to sell non operational replicas of motorcycles to hipsters.  Imagine, every beardocrat can have his dream CX500 parked in the living room.  He can prepare some extremely bitter coffee, put on his favorite record and enjoy the crackly noises, randomly take parts off the bike, stare at them while contemplating existence, and then put them back on.  Fiddle with as many screws and nuts as his heart desires and blog about the experience all in the comfort of his loft space. We’re gonna be rich!

 

For more laughs watch their how to videos on closing a bag https://vimeo.com/60901086 and boiling water https://vimeo.com/69608553

 

Beardo Hegemony

Watching this video was hard, it all felt so familiar. I had to scan back through the blog to make sure we hadn’t already posted about it. This happens a lot, most of what we see here we’ve seen in other videos many many times. A bunch of bikes parked in frame while some very particular looking  people do things in front of or around them. Everything was so dull and repetitive, I wasn’t having any luck coming up with mean enough jokes. Just as I was about to close the window I noticed that this event took place in Australia!

Wow who could have guessed it? It’s all the same dopey shit we’ve seen in videos from around the world. This got me thinking, this video could have been anywhere in the world and the crowd would look pretty much the same. Portland, San Francisco, London, Paris or really any city in the world with a white enough population. This is quite an achievement!

Congratulations you jack offs, your image bullshit now rivals the globe spanning breadth of Harley morons. Your neck tattoos, topiary bush facial hair, anachronistic hats, hitler youth haircuts and work boots are on par with best of what the weekend pirates in the Harley world could come up with. Hipster Hegemony has been achieved.

insta

 

insta

Another Milestone

The website while amusing in places does smack a bit of a intolerant dictatorial nazi venting his spleen over those he/they hold in derision. In a different time you would find his like guarding unfortunates in concentration camps or burning books!
I myself find the current trend of stripping down old and sometimes tatty small to medium capacity bikes and converting them into often good looking but very definitely leisure orientated bikes, in the style of cafe racers or other similar stylised bikes from the past very refreshing.

Well we’ve officially arrived, someone on the internet compared us to Nazis. Break out the Champagne boys, we’re going straight to the top.

giphy

Motorcycle Jorts

Have you ever wanted a $600 denim vest but just couldn’t afford it? Well today is your lucky day, these geniuses have totally figured out cut out the middle man and bring you their product direct and at the low low wholesale price of $300. As long as people pay them $40,000 for the trouble first. Don’t delay, operators are standing by, orders placed in the next 20 minutes get a free voucher for chucklefuck’s tattoo hut.

Denim vest: $300 Front brakes: $0

insta

 

 

 

 

 

 

At first we weren’t sure if these dudes qualified as hipsters because they actually looked like grown ups, albeit very stupid looking grown ups but still old enough to know better. Then the voice over started.

“The most relevant outsider art associated with vintage choppers that we can think of, is the denim vest. Over time it collects a man’s sweat, his filth, his blood and eventually his soul”

Well that pretty much settled that debate.  Then I went to their website, I just sat on the front page and looked at the pictures and quotes. My face lit up.

quote 3First they’re gonna pay us $40,000 so we can sell them $300 denim vests bahahahahahahah

 

quote 2Kevin Bacon explains to models why vintage dick is the best dick.

 

quote1Beard fires are a real danger bro

 

 

 

 

 

Creativity for sale

4QBEGqP

 

http://www.ebay.com.au/itm/171320512615

RE: Creative Reality

Remember the babbling  you had to sit through while this guy described to you what a journey it was to create a shittier version of and already shitty motorcycle?

Welp now you have the chance of owning the end result of that journey. You see riding motorcycles is not the goal for these people, public masturbation over their own egos is, so now that he’s finished “creating” the bike and starred in a video, time for it to go.

BINGO

These guys didn’t even try.  Someone must have given them the crib notes on hipster videos and they decided that was good enough.  This video does excel by having particularly bad music, though.

You know what, if they’re not gonna try, why should we?  Here, have a bingo card and play along at home.  We can’t be bothered to make fun of these dicks. Click here to save and print.

Bingo2

Creative reality

A fashion brand manager pays another man to build him a shitty motorcycle. Prepare yourself for this epic tale of hand wringing, drilling the well of his own creativity, and writing checks.

Gucci Chief Operating Officer Stuart Piercington here is eminently quotable, so here are a selection of his fine works.

“We started cutting apart jeans, jackets, shirts, and creating something out of nothing really.”

Because you know clothes were “nothing” until this moron ripped them apart and rubbed his creativity all over them. Pretty good analogy for what he’s doing with this motorcycle.

“Creativity is something that was inevitable for me.  I think from an early age mum recognized, being an artist, that I could draw.  It turned into quite a big deal.”

My mum put my pictures up on the refrigerator door.  This did not blow out my ego to such fantastic proportions that I felt my inevitable destiny was jerking around some mechanic with whatever loopy-loo idea I saw on BikeEXIF that week.

“This incredible sense of rough animal in the bike”

These guys all try to make their worn out 70s commuter bike sound like some ripsnorting performance racer at the very ragged edge of control and sense. If you removed or ruined all the suspension on a Toyota Corolla it would feel like a beast too.

“Picasso said, ‘The chief enemy of creativity is good sense.’  Maybe that’s the point about creating something, it’s not meant to be easy, and I guess it’s like being a furnace, you know, forging something.”

Da Vinci said, “Take this screw helicopter and shove it up your ass, you self-inflated prick.” The only thing this guy created was a shittier version of a motorcycle.  Or at least the signature on the check to pay for it.  All you aspiring artists, please stick to expressing yourself with papier mâché or charcoal or Tumblr soliloquies or whatever.  Motorcycles are not blank canvasses on which to ejaculate your self-importance. If you really like motorcycles, get one, make it run properly and go out and ride it.  Not every single thing in the world has to be a rolling ego exhibit.

 insta

 

 

 

 

“I didn’t pick up a cigarette ever again.  Here, this is what I was like, smoking.  Please record, for this moment is as ephemeral as the wafting waves.”

 

Update: It’s now for sale.

Handjobs

Before we talk about this video, let’s discuss how stupid the idea of handmade sunglasses is.  How do you hand make sunglasses?  Did someone hand carve the mold and then cast the pieces in bakelite?  Did they grind the glass on a stone like Galileo? “Handcrafting” something from acetate sounds about as plausible to me as making all natural organic Twinkies.  In this magical world where chopping off your subframe and adding different handlebars makes you a “bike builder” worthy of praise, I guess anything is possible.

If it isn’t hand crafted by artisans, if there isn’t a lifestyle video to accompany it, is it really worth buying?  Not to this target demographic, they might enjoy dressing up like mechanics and working-class people (from the past) but they wouldn’t be caught dead buying anything mass produced for the proles.  Unless it’s, you know, it’s an iPad or something.

Oh I got sidetracked, I guess the video is pretty standard fare, beards, motorcycles, etc. What makes us laugh is the dichotomy between what’s going on in the video vs. how it’s made. On screen it’s nothing but vintage bikes, vintage helmets,vintage coolers. shitty disposable cameras. However when it comes to making these dopey videos, nothing but the best/newest tech is used, shot on fancy digital cameras, edited on mac books, for fucks sake they won’t even put videos on youtube, because the bitrate and compression isn’t as good as Vimeo. Youtube is for peasants.

insta